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Taken from Marty's great book "A Look At The Bright Side"ISBN 0-7316-4237-6
PREFACE
As much as the 'warrior spirit' is inherent in Australian servicemen and women, so is a passionate love of life. The 'Aussie' doesn't transcend morality to find beauty and glory in sacrifice of human life even though he is a stoic supporter of freedom and would lay down his life for a friend.
It was amidst the gobbets of dead flesh, the paddies sotted with blood and other grim realities of war in Vietnam that the 'Aussie's' unique sense of humour came through. It had to, it was his only alternative to despair and mental suffering. This derisive humour, based on flippant ridicule was, in all cases, a substitute for his tears and a tonic for flagging morale. Nothing was sacrosant to this banter.
In Vietnam the Aussie had two choices, laugh or cry. He did both. However, it's now time to disregard unwanted seriousness and replace that concern with mirth and side-ache laughter. It's time to regenerate our ancestors unquestionable trait and give the 'doubting Thomas' a look at the bright side.
MARTY CAMERON.
ADVICE ON REHABILITATIONOF A DIGGER
1.......... This is to certify that your son/husband/lover/fiance/brother ...........
having completed an arduous tour of duty in the Republic of Vietnam,
will be returning to Australia on the............... 196.............
2.......... You should appreciate that he is no longer the sweet unspoiled boy
who left Australia fired with patriotic fervour and zest for adventure.
He is now older, probably leaner, wiser in the ways of the world, and
possibly short tempered.
3.......... One of the earlier indications of his changed character will be periodic
hot and cold flushes, accompanied by shortness of breath and trembling
of the knees. This could be due to either malaria or rigours of the
Australian winter. Or to mini-skirts, which he has not yet seen.
4........... Re will gaze in awe and fascination at blonde hair, blue eyes, clean
streets, hotels and tight sweaters. Remember that his only contact with
white girls has been via the centre pages of Playboy Magazine, and he
probably thinks that all girls have staple marks on their stomachs. If you
wish to disillusion him, do so gently.
5........... Be careful not to ever say to him "Let's go for a walk;' "I wish it would
rain;' or "You buy me Saigon Tea" This is important, as he may react
violently.
6........... If he walks across the garden and climbs through the window, humour
him he doesn't trust the path, it might be mined.
7.......... Flushing toilets will be a constant wonder to him, AFTER he
overcomes his initial fear of them. If he grabs a shovel and heads for the
back garden, do not be abusive merely direct him to the right room and
gently confiscate the shovel.
8........... If he is reluctant to rise at a suitable hour (we suggest mid-day) simply
whisper to him "lights on the wire" and watch him leap from the bed
with a strange cry and grovel under the carpet.
9........... Never ask him "Does it ever rain in Vietnam?" because he may
answer you in offensive language. Similarly, if you ask him "Are the
women really flat chested?" He will either laugh or cry - neither is good
for him.
10........... Encourage him to drink ftom a glass. If you give him a beer in a can,
he will drink it certainly, but he may then fling it over his shoulder with
a roar of "Up the old red rooster , and some furniture may suffer.
11.......... Force of habit may cause him to do some apparently odd things -
sleep with his boots on, shower in public, swear fondly at his closest
friends, and grind his cigarettes into the carpet. He will constantly look
at trees - not because he is apparently fond of trees, but because he
suspects snipers. He will distrust bus stops because they have
associations with grenades in Saigon, and if some litterbug throws
something from a passing car he will scream loudly and dive into the
gutter. This can be amusing and should endear him to passersby.
12........... Never question him about powdered eggs, American bacon, rubber
trees, chlorinated water, swamps, chomper ants, mud or Ho Chi Minh.
If your family is fond of ham and lima beans, corned beef or Vienna
sausages, serve them when he is not around.
13. Do not be alarmed if he gets up in the middle of the night, pads
quietly to the kitchen and sits at the table staring out the window. He
has been used to getting up at odd hours of the night to do his sentry.
Leave him and he will shortly go back to bed on his own.
14........... He should be a rational human being again in a year or so. Try to
make him feel important, and occasionally whisper "Uc Dai Loi
Number One" - to boost his spirits. Explain to him that mini-skirts are
respectable, barmaids are not easily won in Australia, Taxi drivers are not
robbers and that rain is necessary at times. Point out when necessary,
that Vietnam is a long way away, everybody loves him and that
mosquitoes won't hurt him.
15........... Above all humour him. The Viet Cong could not shatter his
composure but civilisation might do that. His readjustment is up to you.
OFFICERS
Three army officers died and went to heaven. St Peter welcomed them there. "Anyone who has not hung shit on the non-commissioned ranks, step forward". Two stepped forward, the third remained. St Peter calmly remarked. "Get down to Satan both of you and take your deaf mate with you".
"THEY'LL DRINK ANYTHING"
An Amencan medic was working in a pathology unit in a United States hospital in Saigon taking urine samples from marines suspected of having malaria.
After working all day he had collected six crates of specimens. He said to the pathologist "What do I do with these Sir?" The pathologist replied. "Send them to the Australians, they'll drink anything".
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